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| The Second Chance |
Part 3
The medical officer arrived the next day. It wasn't anymore necessary that Oscar would take care of Andr�. She would have liked at least to come to see him during his convalescence, but for various reasons she didn't get to do that. No, they were all excuses, in reality she was afraid of herself, of her reaction to him, the object of her forbidden love. Because it was by now clear to her, she loved him, and not only that, just staying close to him aroused new feelings, that she couldn't control.
What she in her innermost heart called torment, the rest of the world called passion. [5]
As the convalescence ended, Andr� by then came back on duty, without having ever seen Oscar again as he just caught a glimpse of her. Now he felt depressed at the thought that everything he believed to perceive that day perhaps it had been only an illusion. The exaltation of heart and senses then experienced now gave the way to the hollow feeling, even bigger than before, now that he felt that memory fading day after day.
Oscar didn't sleep. Or rather, she couldn't sleep. She lost sleep over the thoughts that tormented her. So she decided to get up and take a walk on the barracks bastions, to breathe the fresh air of the night. Maybe she could clear her head. She got out of her apartment and she headed for the place chosen for her meditation. She knew that the round of guard should pass in a while, and she set herself to wait, in the shadow. The Commander prevailed again, and she behaved like if she was making a surprise inspection. Two silhouettes were coming, and she held her breath. It was Alain and Andr�, on duty that night. The two men sat tranquilly, their back leaned against the wall, stretching. Alain took out a little metal bottle and handed it to Andr�, who drank a draught from it. Not only they weren't doing the round of guard as they should have done, but they were even drinking on duty! You slackers! Oscar thought. You deserve a just punishment, I'll throw you in a clink! And she was about to move, when she heard that the two were talking, and her demon of curiosity made her to listen.
�I'm so tired!� said Andr�.
�Me too, Andr�, these guards are killing, I can't wait to be on leave, even if I'll have to meet my sister's fianc�. Ah!�
�Leave or not it doesn't change anything to me� Andr� had bended the knees, enclosing the legs in his arms.
�You should stop thinking about that thing.�
�I cannot help thinking, Alain.�
�Mh�
�Alain...�
�Eh�
�But you... why are you my friend?"
Alain goggled at him. �But what kind of question is this?�
�I mean... how come that you offered your friendship to me?�
�I don't know, I liked you. I've understood immediately that you're a good sort, even if you told me some lies to join the French Guards. You are a guy that can be trusted, it feels at a glance that you have a great heart. And now that you made me to say such a silly things, are you happy?�
Andr� nodded his head. �You know, Alain, I'm happy to have met you. I never had a friend, except her.�
�Are you talking about the Commander?�
�Yes.�
�But how is it possible, Andr�?�
�But that's the way it is.We were always just the two of us, since I was six years old. I hadn't anybody but her. I'm an orphan, and I was entrusted to my grandmother, the nanny at Jarjayes palace. The General wanted a playmate for his �son�. I have been a privileged: I have received the same education, we did the same things, I could eat at her table, I was always with her, from dawn to dusk. My grandmother reminded me all the time my status of servant... but I was suspended between two worlds, without belonging to anyone. I was a servant, but I've received the education of a noble; my rank was that of a servant, but Oscar treated me like a brother. For this reason the rest of the servants isolated me, with acrimony. Oscar's friendship was the only one friendship. I was alone, but she was alone, as well: for this reason, maybe, our bond was so strong. �But I... you know Alain, sometimes in a friendship there is always someone that gives more than it receives. I couldn't always ask her for comfort. When we were children it was different, then we grew up...�
�Andr� but you... since when do you love her?�
Andr� lowered his gaze: �I don't know... I think... from the very first moment that I laid my eyes on her.�
�You're a madman, Andr�. You devoted your life to her, and now?�
�And now... I don't know, Alain. Now our friendship is over. Nothing will be as before, she does know... she knows that I love her, and I've never been so alone. I miss our everyday life, our understanding. A glance was enough to make us understand each other.�
�So, she feels alone, as well.�
Andr� raised again his face: �Yes, she feels alone. But I cannot reapproach her.�
�Has something occurred between the two of you, hasn't it?�
Andr� held his head in his hands, remaining silent.
�So, why do you stay here?�
With a whisper Andr� answered: �She is all my life and I do not exist without her. She is my light and I... I am her shadow.�
Alain scratched his head, puzzled. �You're a whole fool, Andr�. Come on, let's pretend to finish this round of guard and go to rest.� He seized him by the arm and lifted him up. �Let's go!�
In the shadow, Oscar was trying to regain the breath that escaped from her lungs. Andr�... was suffering so much and she didn't realize that, as usual. But why she didn't understand? The loneliness of Andr� was deeper that hers. Andr� didn't have anything but her, while she had her pride. And her selfishness, her stubbornness... she felt worse than before. Now she really couldn't sleep. She came back to her little bedroom. She placed herself in front of the mirror, and began to undress slowly.The vitreous sheet now reflected the image of a woman.
Who are you, Oscar?
A woman. Physically a woman. But she too was suspended between two world, she always had been. Not man, not woman. A man's life first imposed, and then accepted deliberately. The woman's feelings that she considered weaknesses. Weakness: the love, spiritual and physical. What did she know about love? She had fallen in love with Fersen because he was the only man she could allow herself to love. Unattainable. An idealized love, that wouldn't have implied anything in reality. Certainly, she wanted that he would see her as a woman. It was that desire of womanliness that had prevailed, more than a real desire of seduction, pushing her to wear woman's clothes. But she was rejected, or rather, not even considered as a woman. Did she wanted to be courted, kissed?
It's a sin, Oscar, Not only you don't have the right, you can't.
She was raised to be a soldier. Besides making sure that she would became a soldier in the most efficient way from a military point of view, her father soon had provided for the spiritual side. He eliminated any feminine presence that could be a behaviour pattern, except for the old nanny, sending away the mother and the sisters, to the court or the convent. The tutor was instructed so as to avoid in his literature lessons the topic of the love. Not an easy task, that was only partly successful. Moreover Andr� did boycott him systematically, getting, nobody knew how, books of love poems and novels, that secretly handed to his friend.
The worst part came from the religious education. The family confessor, P�re Christophe, had provided to inculcate her with the repulsion for the physical love, instilling into her a strong idea of sex as a sin, so that she should have been restrained from going in for love. In this way she would have been safe, in the middle of that male world.
In the course of time she slowly became emancipated. She had begun reading what she wanted, first secretly, then in open defiance of the father, even showing off the forbidden books on her writing-desk, above all those placed on the Index. She couldn't declare herself an innocent, at least theoretically. On the other hand, it was impossible spending a whole life in Versailles without even soiling a bit the hem of the angel's dress. The strict upbringing that she had received was against the depravation of the court, and nobody could say to have seen with his very eyes Oscar Fran�ois de Jarjayes in attitudes less than decorous and dignified. However, there had been a lot of gossip about her. She even passed for the Queen's lesbian lover, thanks to the �M�moires� by Jeanne Valois.
All things considered, looking at the life of the ladies in the Court, she didn't dislike her life. At least she was free, in a way. She couldn't indulge in love, but if she would have had a woman's life like her sisters, how would have been an arranged marriage? Getting married without love, and then, perhaps getting a lover, like everybody else. But looking inside herself, she knew that she desired to love and to being loved back. And she had fallen in love, like every woman, thinking to have understood what love was. But then... Andr� made her to understand something that her idealized love for Fersen didn't even let her to imagine. She had understood what is a man really in love, what is a kiss given with desperate love. She had understood what is the desire of a man for a woman, when he was crushing her with his body, on the bed. And the sensations that she had felt... were sinful. The voice that was rising from the depth of her conscience was telling her that it was dangerous, wrong.
Rationally she knew that it wasn't true. Two Oscar's were fighting a battle. The adult Oscar, disenchanted by the experience of a life spent at the court, who had read books that opened her mind, who wanted to allow herself the right of being happy. The other Oscar, the one that was coming from the past, the one that carried ideas inculcated by others, who was afraid of living life, and recognizing the sensual side of herself. And now, this Oscar so complicated was on the horns of a dilemma: stay like she was, or gain courage and live that love that by now was burning her? This time was different, and she knew that. She loved Andr�. It was the same feeling that she experienced the first time? She felt that it was another thing. She felt that it was a feeling... more adult. More complete. Open to Andr�'s love would have been completely different. Andr� loved her deeply, and also desired her as a woman. She felt a hot current running through her body: the mirror reflected the image of her blushed face. You stupid! She turned and dropped onto the bed. How would be like... being touched by him? She had a rough idea of it, and every time she thought about it, that stupid hot current shook the whole body. To crown it all, what if it would have happened while she was on duty... she hugged the pillow. By now she had understood. This was the desire. She blew out the candle and let her hand roaming the naked skin.
Note:
[5] I'm playing with a famous quote from Lao-Tse: �What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly.�
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