Klack!
The door was clicked shut. And left an emotional chaos on both sides. Andr�
leaned mutely against the filigrane oak door, which marked the entrance to
Oscar�s realm. His head felt empty, all thoughts seemed blown away.
What had happened a moment ago?
He breathed deeply and started moving almost mechanically. His legs seemed to
carry him outside and that was also quite right for him. He wanted to put as
much distance as possible between himself and this door.
In the entrance hall his grandmother came his way. Akimbo she launched into a
question as he stormed out of the house. He had to go out!
How could he look her in the eyes with a clear conscience now? After what
had happened just then?
When he reached the stable, his only refuge, he stopped briefly. He looked
around for the water barrel, which was used to supply the animals with fresh
water. Wordlessly he dipped his head into the fresh, cold water. The cold hit him
and dispelled the fog that covered his mind. And with his thoughts the painful
memories returned.
For a while, he viewed his own reflection in the water with increasing
abhorrence.
Then he turned about, slumped down onto the bales of straw and covered his
head with his hands.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Oh my god, what had happened there just now?
How did it happen?
Hadn�t I just gone to Oscar to bring her the tea from my grandma?
But then... she was sitting in front of her piano, just like the entire evening,
playing just that one song again and again. Like obsessed.
What�s wrong with you Oscar?
Can�t you bear the break from Fersen?
Is that the reason why you�re pounding upon the piano keys?
Do you still love him?
Knowing too well that this love can never be fulfilled?
Oh I grant you this feeling, the pain and sorrow, as if you were inwardly ripped
open.
As if you became mad.
Now you can finally understand how I feel.
With that thought, I contently leaned back at the chimney and watched her.
But as she finally stood up and walked towards her bedroom, her words
incensed me in a cold rage.
What does it mean, I needn�t accompany you anymore?
You drop me like an old coat?
How can you thrust me so selfish away from you?
Don�t you know that I would do anything for you? That I want to follow you
wherever you go and if I must, even into hell itself.
You are everything to me, my light, my life!
What should I do without you?
Did you at any moment think about me when you made your decision?
No, you�re closed as always. Oh, how I hated your cold stare at that very
moment!
However I attempted to control my rage and despair. But as you slapped me I
lost my self-control.
Not this way Oscar!
You want to be a man?
And want to live like a man from now on?
Then let me show you how much of a woman you are!
I haven�t showed you my physical strength until now, but now, now I�ll show you
what it means to be a man!
I�m fed up with living quietly near you.
I could only smile about her ridiculous defence as I pulled her towards me and
pressed my lips hard against her mouth.
A hot wave of excitement mingled with my cold rage. I was never so close to her.
I had always controlled myself although I was often tempted to touch her.
I felt her warmth and the incomparable scent of her skin.
My desire swelled up and I pushed her towards the bed.
Maybe it would have been better you had cried for help Oscar?
But you were to proud, even for this. Because then, you would have had to
confess to yourself that you�re weak. That you�re a woman.
I brutally pressed her with my body into the pillows.
Can you feel my unmistakable excitement? You�re the only one who can
arouse such feelings deep down inside of me.
Do you finally realize that I�m the only one for you?
I want you to belong entirely to me, only to me.
Your absurd struggle excites me even more. Can�t you see that I had the edge
over you?
That I can do with you whatever I want?
And I want you entirely, I want to possess you. I want to show you what it
means to be a woman.
So that you finally understand.
As I ripped her shirt off and exposed her breasts I came back to reality.
I found myself on Oscar�s bed, heavily breathing, with a piece of fabric that
belongs to her shirt, in one hand and I looked down into her wide-open eyes.
The world turned around me.
What had I done?
Was that really me who was on the verge of ravishing a woman? To hurt the
person how means everything to me and for whom I would give my life?
Bewildered I stumbled to the door and hither.
Is this me?
Is this really Andr� Grandier... or just an animal that follows his lowest instincts?
I always had enough self-control to hide my feelings, until now.
But what was the trigger which made this self-control fail?
Was it perhaps the talk with Dr. Lasonne, who told me that I would probably lose
my eyesight, sooner or later?
That I couldn�t see her face ever again, the shine in her eyes?
Or was it the fact that Fersen was still playing a large part in her life? That she
couldn�t forget him.
I was so angry!
But this isn�t an excuse for my act. I have done a horrible thing. I have betrayed
her, destroyed our friendship beyond repair. I can�t look into her eyes anymore,
her simple presence will be unbearable for me.
The view will always be in my mind and God will make sure that this is the only
thing I see when I become totally blind: The fear in her eyes, the fear of me.
I remember the days of our childhood, how she protected me from the
punishment of her father, that she would have given her life for me when the
former king sentenced me to death.
And I remember that I swore to myself to protect her from all harm. And now
I�m the one who harmed her.
How could I do this to the person who means everything to me?
It seemed impossible for me to face her again.
I pushed a door open, the entrance to the dark side of my soul. And what I
saw behind it made me shiver. Can I lock this door once more forever?
I stood up with a bitter sigh, cleaned the straw from my cloths and went to my
horse.
After I saddled it I scaled up in order to rid to some pub to drown the events in
alcohol and to daze my conscience. At least till morning.
�Leastwise one feeling had Oscar for me now.� I thought sarcastically as
I rode away into the night. �If it is not love, than at least hate.�
~ THE END ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Special Thanks:
To Adisor for his kind help with the translation and his suggestions about the thoughts of men ^__^
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