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| L'Indépendence |
Chapter 4: Noble Wine
The red fluid in her glass splashed within it when she took it up of the table in front of her.
She knew that she already had drunk too much wine. But she was hardly concerned about it. Since weeks already she was emptying the stock which had been created in the cellar for special occasions. She had opened wines of the best and finest years and had drunk alone. Yet in no way it blunted the grief she felt deep inside. Perhaps for the short moment when she couldn’t deny her drunkenness anymore, her mind was free from thoughts. Free from fears, worries and pain, which she had had to bear for such a long time already.
Every day she hoped to receive a sign which would show that he was still alive. But nothing of the kind happened. No letter, no news from other soldiers, who had returned from America because of their wounds.
It made her mad to be helpless, to be able to do nothing and just to wait and to hope.
And what if he was dead already?
With this thought she brought the wineglass to her lips again and took a deep gulp. She believed that she was able to hide her mournful condition at the court of Versailles. But it was impossible at home. Sophie kept an eye on her, though she tried to do it inconspicuously. Nevertheless Oscar had noticed her anxious looks at her a long time before. And she asked herself what Sophie thought about André’s decision he had made. Oscar never asked her about anything concerning this matter and somehow she had the assumption that her nanny probably would answer nothing, if the question would have been asked one day. In this sense both women were alike. Both were reserved and showed their emotions to no one. They continued to suffer in loneliness instead.
Sophie only asked Oscar over and over again not to drink so much wine…
This thought generated a smile on Oscar’s lips. The world could be destroyed and Sophie would worry only about Oscar’s well-being…
“In fact, André has to stay at the first place for her,” Oscar whispered sadly in the deserted salon and stared at the burning fireplace before her. She leant back in the soft armchair and closed her eyes.
The meeting with the queen some time before came to her mind again. Marie Antoinette was pregnant meanwhile and expected her first child by the end of the year. The whole land hoped for the birth of an heir. However this could be exactly said only by the birth. Till then they prayed for the queen and her unborn child, for their getting over healthy for the months.
Oscar visited Marie Antoinette to wish her likewise the best of luck. The queen had obviously been happy when the commander of the Royal guard entered her rooms. Immediately she sent off the chambermaids to be able to be alone with her long-standing friend.
It had been a warm autumn evening and that’s why it was possible to spend the remaining day hours on the balcony of her royal room.
“It is so nice to see you, the dearest Oscar! You visit me too seldom lately,” she was saying to her over and over again what made Oscar smile “Forgive me Your Majesty, but I supposed that you could sacrifice only a little time for me, because of Your audiences and the forthcoming joyful event which is waiting for You”.
“Yes, the last weeks have been very tense indeed,” Antoinette confirmed when she remembered the latest events “Countless presents from nobles from entire France have arrived during the last weeks to the palace. Thus they all want me to know about their congratulations, what is very nice of course, but sometimes it may be also very exhausting…”
Tired expression in Antoinette’s eyes which followed, made Oscar think that possibly the queen was exhausted. Not for the world Oscar would have exchanged her place with the queen if she had such a choice. Too much responsibility lay on the shoulders of this elegant woman.
However at the next moment Antoinette’s features had brightened again a little “But still, Oscar, I am very happy that I will become a mother,” she had briefly paused then and thought apparently about whether she should really tell Oscar next words. Oscar however only looked at her further attentively.
Thoughtfully the queen had touched her round belly and silently said “But is it a disgrace to say truthfully that I am afraid?”
At that moment Oscar knew what she talked about. These both women had known each other too long to have secrets from each other.
“I believe, Your Majesty, at the present moment you feel like countless other women in the whole world and I think that it is allowed to You to be afraid of the coming events even if You consider that You might not feel so because of Your privileges…” when Oscar had expressed this opinion, the look of the queen changed directly under her very eyes and the queen smiled “Lady Oscar, I would never have expected to hear such words from Your Person, you succeed to surprise me over and over again.”
Really, even for Oscar herself these words sounded unusual. They had simply escaped from her mouth. She had sounded at that moment like a woman. She had talked about the feeling of a woman and one was able to do this only if one felt these feelings himself.
Since that time Oscar had felt that something had changed within her and had intention to develop further. What was the reason for it?
Was it possibly the strong yearning which she felt for her best friend?
Had her personality changed only because of his long absence? Was somenthing like that possible?
Oscar could not understand and even imagine yet how strong indeed she was bound up with André. And also she had not consciously perceived yet that her thoughts about Fersen withdrew bit by bit behind those about André.
Quickly she wanted to escape the upcoming depressing feelings again and observed attentively Antoinette who had sighed silently in front of her.
“What is with you, my Queen?”
For a moment she thought about an apparently serious problem, as Oscar believed, though she should have guessed which thoughts had depressed the queen. Sadly Antoinette turned her look to Versailles’ gardens which extended not far from her balcony in front of the palace. Silence had been hanging in the air and Oscar supposed that Marie Antoinette hadn’t wanted to speak about that, however it turned out differently. Silently, almost whispering she asked Oscar her question “Do you think that he is still alive?”
Immediately André came to Oscar’s mind again, but she had had to understand clearly that he wasn’t the man Antoinette had talked about.
“I cannot answer this question, Your Majesty. The time will show us whether he survives this war or not…” Oscar answered in a flat voice however at that moment she felt bitterness because of the question of the queen.
Antoinette ruled a powerful land. She had to consider the circumstances of all people and also to confess worries accordingly. It wasn’t worthy for her position to grant her feeling only to the one man. So many people had been involved into the war, among them also French soldiers. Were they possibly worthless? Were they nothing, weren’t they worth one single thought waste of them to appreciate their actions honourably?
Oscar could not believe it, but the spirit of the queen annoyed her.
She had still been committed to this hopeless love which would never have continuance in the future; and still...
She put this love above her duties as a queen, even if only few confidants were aware of this at court.
Oscar hadn’t noticed how she had judged Antoinette. She had searched an excuse for herself to justify her constant thoughts about André. If Oscar really believed her to hope and sympathize with every fighting soldier in America, it wasn’t true. If she had been honest to herself she would have to admit that all her thoughts were then about André only. Not about other soldiers and not even about Fersen, but solely about her friend from childhood days.
Shortly after the secret revelation of Antoinette, Oscar left the palace again.
She opened her eyes again and was easily blinded because of the twitching flames. Gradually her look got used to the dimness of the salon again and she stared freely at the fireplace’s fire again.
She asked herself suddenly what it was like to serve during the war. Even if she had the pleasure to receive high-ranking military education and had instructional training about leading the war, she had never personally experienced what it was like to fight on the battlefield.
At court of Versailles she had to deal only with clean job for aristocrats, but how it would be like to fight with enemies along with other soldiers, where it didn’t matter which rank one had. Since in a fight for death or life one really wouldn’t be spared only because this one had been Royale Guards’ commander of the queen of France…
Suddenly the door had been opened and master of the house entered the salon. An examining look was laid down on the pale face of his daughter and Oscar felt that she could not hide that she was easily drunk.
At a quick pace he went up to her armchair and then paused before the small round table on which the thirty year old wine, only to quarter full, stood.
Oscar said nothing, but lowered her look to the fire again. She supposed that a reprimand would follow but it didn’t matter for her. Her look was empty and clouded with grief.
Silently her father observed her hanging shoulders which looked more and more narrow already since many weeks. Reynier de Jarjayes at this moment would ordinarily have loudly reprimanded his daughter that she wasn’t entitled to empty the stock of the most delicacy and expensive wine.
However, her present depressing state of mind was new even to him and it disturbed him. Never had he perceived his daughter like that and the time had come in which he would handle differently with her.
With a pensive sigh he subsided into the second upholstered armchair beside Oscar and said, as usual, in peremptory tone “Do you want to speak about that?” Surprised by such a question Oscar opened the eyes, the only reaction she showed “About what, father?”
“Well, if I knew this I certainly wouldn’t have asked you this question, Oscar,” Reynier answered and wrinkled his forehead.
"It’s nothing ..."
Not very much persuaded of this statement, he lifted the near empty bottle of wine in front of her nose “And therefore already half of my wine cellar has been looted? For nothing?” In response to that she said nothing again. She hadn’t even looked directly at her father’s face. Reynier had been used that she always had a retort, but this silence from her side really began to worry him gradually.
The general was aware too well that she had changed after parting with André. She had retired into herself and had become taciturn. Even for him it was evident that Oscar suffered obviously from having lost her best friend possibly forever.
However as an officer she couldn’t afford herself being overwhelmed with such feelings. She had to look forwards and fulfill her duties at the court to glorify the name of the family. But how could he make this comprehensible for her?
Thinking about her future only, he spoke at last urgently “André proved to us his bravery when he had resolved to leave for the war. He is worthy of all respect because of it, but, Oscar, think about that it was his decision to leave our house. I think you should respect this at last and let him go. Look forwards. A glorious life is waiting for you, and it was expected that one day André would go his own way” There was truth in his words which Oscar had to admit, but only to herself and not openly in front of her father.
“I really don’t know how you came to the idea that my behaviour could somehow be connected with André’s departure” she objected, a pitiful attempt to persuade her father of the opposite of his statement.
He was right; it had been André’s decision. What had she been thinking about? That he would stay on her side forever? That he would serve her forever? Had she been so naive?
Hazily she noticed how her father rose from the armchair again and without saying another word left the salon. This also made no difference for Oscar.
Certainly she had been surprised about the fact that her father wanted to speak openly with her about her problems. But during more than twenty years she had never confided in him and she would not change this now definitely.
She would have been able to confide only in one person if she had wanted.
The words of her father reverberated for a long time in her head.v
She wanted to let André go. For months already she wanted to accept his way which he had chosen.
But why it was so hard for her to let go? She was adult and really couldn’t allow her life to depend on one man who had left for a war and about whom she even didn’t know whether he still lived anymore.
“Where are you only?” she whispered without realizing it.
She had nobody more in whom she could confide.
At the court they held her for the unapproachable commander, behind whose back they said, he loved men and women. There she was a nameless spirit which wandered around worriedly and seemed a stranger to everybody.
She kneeled down and looked in the wineglass, which contents glittered to her with their fire-red.
Without being able to prevent it, tears escaped from her eyes and found incessantly their way down her cheeks.
Since this evening it became clear for her how vulnerable she become, since he had left her.
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