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| L'Indépendence |
Chapter 6: Audience
He stood in front of her.
In flesh and blood.
She couldn't believe it and blinked to assure herself that he was really with her.
He hadn't moved and the image in front of her eyes stayed clear and untouched.
She tried to grab him, to take hold of him so that he could never leave her, but he slipped from her outstretched hand with a fast move.
She was hurt by his reaction at once. They hadn't seen each other for such a long time and now he kept the necessary distance to her.
Then she examined him from head to toe. He was wearing the uniform he probably got in war. It hung slack and disheveled on his body. His trousers were worn out and shabby and the whole uniform was covered with dirt. He looked tired and exhausted and he wasn't able to do more than to keep his stiff facial expression.
Didn't he even feel the slightest happiness about their reunion? She was shocked and felt immediately that he had changed.
Why did he return, after he actually had fled from her and still did?
He suddenly turned away from her and went down a narrow passage without any reaction to her calling. She ran after him but she couldn't reach him and shouted his name one last time. She did it with all her physical strength, but only a whisper escaped her lips.
Then he turned to her and spoke, but she wasn't able to hear and understand what he was telling her. Panic overwhelmed her. Why couldn't she hear his words?
She fell on her knees helplessly and felt the cold, hard floor under her when she landed. Her arms hung weak at her sides and endless despair bubbled up in her. Why did he make her suffer like that? Haven't they been together always? If this was a farewell forever, a final Adieu, she wanted it to be in her way, so that she would not accuse it to herself later. She didn't want to make the same mistake like on the day of his departure to America.
But he did not allow it.
Suddenly she could hear his words -weak and incoherent at first- but it became more and more clearly with every syllable.
“Don't try to find me...” he said low and repeating every word again and again, until she realized even the last word.
She stared after him, as he got away from her again. She couldn't move any longer. On the one hand because his words had shocked her and on the other hand it seemed like the floor kept holding her fast.
A hissing sound came through her ear and she saw André being hit in his back. He was hurt by a bullet and then he fell on the floor silent and lifeless.
From one second to another his uniform was soaked with dark red blood and the smell got into her nose. She was only able to scream...
“André!” Abruptly she sat in her bed with her eyes wide open.
There was cold sweat on her forehead and it was running down her temple. She was breathing heavily and she felt as if her scream was still echoing in the silence of the room.
Gradually she calmed down and realized she was still in her own bedroom.
It had been just a nightmare. A nightmare which had made her worst fears become real. Everything had been so concrete and close, that it scared her to the bone.
What if this nightmare was a premonition to something that would happen soon? If it had not already happened?
She wasn't superstitious, but this nightmare hit her with an intensity that her hands were still shaking. She feared for him, more than she ever had.
She already had made a decision a few weeks ago, which she wanted to express to the queen today. Even this nightmare could not stop her now.
She raised from her bed and prepared herself for the audience of Queen Antoinette.
Only few hours later Oscar was asked to enter the Queen's chambers. The room was empty and even the Servant, who had opened the doors, had left again.
Oscar was deep in thoughts. She thought through and planned her demeanor to every detail. She would only say things she carefully thought about before and underline her decision by her confident intonation.
One door on the other side of the chamber opened and Antoinette entered the room with enthusiastic steps. A smile was on her lips when she recognized Oscar, who knelt before her according to the courtly Etiquette.
“Oscar! How wonderful to see you! Please raise yourself,” said Antoinette in a friendly tone, as she sat down in the armchair, which had been provided for their conversation.
Oscar ignored Antoinette's words and still bowed her head to the floor, to express her servility. “Your Majesty, I am happy to see that you have recovered well after the birth of her highness the princess. News has spread that your daughter is of remarkable beauty and health, like you are. I am very happy for you, your Majesty.”
“Oscar, much too much time has passed since your last visit and I am happy to see that you are well too.” After that Antoinette took a critical look at the stiff manner of her commander and wondered why Oscar had not followed her request to stand up. “You seem a bit stiff today Oscar. What occasion brought you here honestly? Your seriousness reveals you and tells me that you wanted to speak to me for a certain reason...”
Oscar had to admit to herself that female intuition was a well-considered gift given by God. She had expected that Antoinette would become suspicious. Oscar knew that the Queen had noticed her emaciated body and her pale face, but at her years at court Antoinette had learned the lesson to ignore things like that and not to let her observations slip. But Oscar was attentive in her observations too and as she had entered the room, Oscar already had seen the worried glances from Antoinette.
If Antoinette would speak to her about it, Oscar wouldn't answer.
“Your Majesty, I see that you already noticed that I am here because of a different duty. No, not a duty, it is rather a petition I want to submit to you.” Oscar’s eyes slid across Antoinette's face just a moment and she was aware of every reaction from the queen.
“You may...Oscar.”
So it was time to tell Antoinette about her decision - this woman who knew her since her adolescence and who couldn't refuse her any wish, whom Oscar had served faithful all these years.
“Your Majesty, I came to you today to ask you to release me from my duty as the Commander of the Royal Guard.” Oscar felt that her tone was cold and harsh, nearly sounded as if she regretted being in the Guard for all those years. She was surprised herself and that she had spoken in this harsh manner. She could see the hurt in Antoinette's eyes clearly.
A shocking look popped up on her face and she couldn't avoid to rise fast from her armchair and to rush towards Oscar who had lowered her eyes on the floor again.
“Why Oscar? Why this all of a sudden? Are you not satisfied with your troops? Or do you wish for a higher rank? I could arrange that immediately...” But Antoinette was interrupted in her flow of words.
“With all due respect, my Queen, I am deeply honored with this great responsibility, -like leading the Garde Royale- you entrusted me with, and believe me when I tell you that I will always appreciate this period in my life and I will never forget it. As well as your kindness and helpfulness and your faithful friendship through all those years...”
Oscar had to stop her speech for a moment, because she didn't trust her voice any longer. She thought she had heard her voice start to break and tremble. Her behavior was strange.
Antoinette noticed that and realized little by little that her loyal servant seemed to want to bear her future on her own, just like she always had. “It seems like you want to say good bye to me...” She murmured. “...Forever?”
Oscar did not answer on that and those unsaid words were enough for Antoinette to have certainty. “But no, no! Why? Why do you want to turn your back on Versailles? And on me?!”
Oscar finally looked up again and forced her moist eyes not to let the tears spill over. “Please believe me, your Majesty, when I tell you, that my decision has absolutely nothing to do with my duty at court or you. I...I need to find someone and I am only able to do that when I quit my work. Please understand me...This is very important for me...”
Although Antoinette didn't knew Oscar meant to go to America and to join the War, just to use her probably last chance to -perhaps- see André again, but the Queen guessed that Oscar would risk her life on her unspoken plan. Antoinette could see it in the expression of Oscar’s eyes. They were determined but taken by such a deep emptiness and despair that it scared her.
She never had been concerned about her Commander like that, until this moment. She was terrified and sank on her knees before Oscar. “Oscar, I beg you to stay! I kneel before you as the Queen of France and beg you not to leave me!” Antoinette's voice was full of sighs and Oscar saw that heavy tears ran from her eyes. Oscar couldn't believe what had happened. She and the Queen were kneeling in front of each other, were depressed and wrapped by their mutual despair. This wasn't just sadness about Oscars rash decision, this was unsatisfied yearning after those two men from whom they didn't have any sign of life since years. But both couldn't admit their yearning to themselves.
Antoinette took the hands of her confidant and sobbed instead. “You cannot leave me as well...not you too,” and so Antoinette gave in to her hopelessness, laid her forehead on the back of Oscar’s hands and started to cry bitterly.
Even though she had not mentioned his name Oscar knew whom it was Antoinette had meant with her words. She loved Fersen and he was the only one -besides Oscar herself- who the queen could trust unconditionally. What would happen to her if Oscar would really leave France? Antoinette would probably not have even one true friend by her side. Could Oscar really take responsibility for that? The friendship between her and the queen had -after all these years- become very important to Oscar too. As she looked at Antoinette, who couldn't hold back her feelings and revealed her soul to her, like she only did once before, Oscar suddenly remembered André's words in her dream from last night.
'Don't try to find me...'
Was that it? Should she stay with the queen because she was needed at her side? Did he need her at all?
Oscar’s thoughts turned over and she didn't know what the right decision was. She had definitely planned to go to America, but now she thought that she had made the wrong decision.
The crying of the queen in her arms disappeared more and more.
The world before Oscar’s eyes blurred and was wrapped with a milky white haze.
Suddenly Oscar found herself in the late evening, alone on the small lake that accompanied the path from Versailles to Jarjayes Mansion. At the half of the path she had dismounted her horse. Now she was standing motionless on the riverside and stared at the clear water, which reflected the blazing red beams of the evening sun that danced on the surface.
This day had taken a course she had not wanted, but nevertheless she believed that it was better for the queen to know that Oscar was by her side.
But how did she feel in doing so herself?
Something constantly kept her from finding André again and she couldn't describe how sad, mad and frustrated she was about that fact. Why did destiny impose her with such hard testing? She realized that this was the most difficult trial she had ever had to pass.
She had to trust in something that wasn't available, what had possibly gone out of this world long ago...
She had to believe in his return; blind and not knowing whether he was still alive. But she felt like she didn't have the strength to survive this any longer.
Unspeakable pain spread through her body, but this wasn't physical. What she felt had spread from her heart to her limbs and made her feel helpless instantly.
She didn't know how to continue. Something had to change...
Soundlessly, she drew her sword and laid the blade in her hand. She stared at the silvery, shining metal and was buried in thought. It was nearly releasing.
She could see herself in the reflection of the blade and stared at her own empty and bleak eyes. She was frightened about how wimpy her posture and appearance had become.
As the wind strengthened and hit her back with a roar, she lifted her sword and put it on her neck.
Energetic, she made a clean cut...
Long blonde curls were taken away by the wind and scattered into all directions. Oscar stared at the surface of the water absent-minded. The loss of her hair reduced her despair a bit, because she told herself she had done something –she had made at least some kind of change.
But that wasn't true. This was just pain she felt as she had cut off her glimmering curls.
She had set a sign that made her aware that she had started a new chapter of her life.
A life without him.
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