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| Silent Yearning |
Chapter 2: Hope
Day became night and night became day. The sun, the moon and the stars took turns.
Weeks passed by until Oscar's full recovery. Time and calmness gave her body the strength to begin the fight against the tuberculosis. During this long period of time she could think a lot about her former and her future life. With the Storming of the Bastille she rebelled against the royal dynasty, her class and even her own father. In a letter she informed him that he ought to leave her into a woman's life, which basically contradicted everything she had once promised him a long time ago: to live as a man for her whole life. But that decision changed when she learned to love Andr�. The memory of Andr� almost defined her entire existence. Whenever she closed her eyes she saw him. Ever since she could think she was together with Andr� every day. Up to this day she could not forgive herself for not noticing his affection in the slightest. They had so little time�
Instead, I gave my heart to Count von Fersen who loved the queen, she thought bitterly. She was so stupid.
To all intents and purposes, she had known for a much longer time that she loved Andr�, but she was too proud to confess that to him. It was not only stupid, it was dangerous. Then the events were unfolding. The turmoils in Paris had increased and it caused Oscar to finally wake up.
Did she want to keep living without Andr�? No! So what stopped her from uniting with him in death? She did not have an answer to that.
Slowly she walked through the small streets of Paris, accompanied by the smell of blood and death. She just could not take being in the small mansion anymore. It was unendurable for her to be bed bound like that. Oscar got a headache. She regarded the broken windows of those once animated bakeries. Many houses were empty out of fear soldiers could march in again. A majority of the buildings were almost destroyed completely because they were situated close to the Bastille. She switched to side alleys to make sure she was not seen or followed. There were still commoners here and there who wanted to take revenge on the nobles for the death of their families. She put herself on the side of the people, but did that count when the entire population was full of hatred for the nobility? She wore dark pants with a white shirt and over that a long coat. By no means her old uniform.
She past by one of those taverns. The bar was deserted. A couple of rats scurried over tables and chairs that had fallen over. It was here where she met Bernard, Rosalie's husband, to prepare the rescue of her soldiers from the Bastille.
When she turned around the corner she came to a broad street that directly led to the Bastille. Oscar left the small lanes and with horror caught sight of the results of the revolution.
The old prison was left almost naked. Nearly the entire upper layer was destroyed by the detonation of the bombs, which made it possible to see some of the prison cells from the street.
Oscar climbed over the palisades made by the people of Paris. The smell of burned wood came through her nose as she finally stood at the foot of the Bastille. Oscar closed her eyes. It was the 14th of July again; she could hear the screeching of the crowd, the shots, and the crack of the canons. She opened her eyes again. A hive of birds rose majestically into the cloudless sky. As she continued walking she saw countless big indentations in the street stones that came from the canons of her own troop. Over the wooden bridge, the crossover from the street to the prison, she got inside of the Bastille. She walked through the former trellised gate and she had to climb over big stones that broke out of the bricking due to the attack.
The entire once so deterrent facility was ravaged and destroyed. The people already began to carry off stones for their personal requirements. Oscar walked along a small aisle. Everything was so obscure that one could believe walking through walls. Candle holders were lying on the floor broken. The sad skeleton of a staircase loomed towards her sadly. Oscar then came to the end of an aisle where she found stairs that seemed tolerably passable to her.
She came back to this place to get to the officer's chamber. She was hoping to find documents or orders that might have survived the attack.
On the upper floor she discovered a door that was not blocked with bars. When she pressed the knob the door remained closed. Oscar tried again, but without any success. She stepped back a little in order to kick against the door with her foot, which ceded without hesitation. With a loud creak, she fell inside of the room. Through one of the smashed window she could look at the roofs of the houses nearby. Paris was at her feet. In the room there was a table with a couple of drawers. Again she tried to banish her way though the stones. When she opened the drawer she discovered several letters. Most of them were meaningless. Only small orders were registered, for example when the next change of guards should occur. But under all those documents she found one letter that had the royal seal on it.
�To the commander-in-chief of the Bastille. Hereby is declared that the twelve soldiers that defied the King's orders, according to the military council, without hearing or involvement of a judge, shall be executed at the court of the Bastille the following day. Supreme General of the Royal Guard.�
It was written clearly and precisely that it concerned the punishment of her former soldiers. Back then, twelve of Oscar's soldiers were arrested as they had defied the Royal Guard when they were supposed to dissolve the Estates-General. It was a justified measure, at least from the point of view of the nobility, since the soldiers disregarded orders. But the people had their own opinion. After all, the Estates-General was a chance for the Bourgeoisie to deputize their rights. In the end twelve men were almost executed without a hearing of a court. But because the royal family was afraid of the furious Bourgeoisie, which marched to the Bastille and which demanded the release of the soldiers, they were released into freedom.
Oscar looked out of the window and looked after a white dove. Immediately, she remembered Andr�. A voice, a certain word, a place, a little event and the memory of Andr� came back to her thoughts. Andr� loved watching doves. Every now and then he was sitting in the garden for hours to watch them fly or to just feed them.
Oscar was pulled away from her thoughts as she heard voices from the outside coming closer.
�Did you hear that?�
Oscar heard the voice loud and clearly. It was a deep male voice and it seemed that he was talking to someone, who probably only nodded with his head since no answer followed.
�It came out of the officer's chamber!� said the same voice and Oscar heard steps that were slowly coming closer to the room.
It must have been two people only, but Oscar did not have more time to think about that. She tried to find a hiding place because she was unarmed and still hurt and too weak to be able to defend herself. The strangers had almost reached the chamber and Oscar escaped into the adjoining room.
She had hid behind the door and prepared herself for a possible attack.
The two men were in the officer's chamber by now.
�Well, nobody seems to be here. Check the neighbouring room!� voice one ordered. Through the crack in the door Oscar looked into the other room.
The man she saw was of robust stature and had shoulder long, blond hair. His face was slender and squarely and he wore a long black coat. Either as defilade or as protection from dirt. Although these optic aspects made him seem strong his face was of a childish nature, almost boyish.
�Oh Damn! � he suddenly screamed. Oscar awakened from her state of trance and saw that the unknown jerked his foot.
�We're here for the second time now. What the hell does Robespierre hope to find here?� Outraged, he jumped around dandifiedly.
Suddenly the second man whose face Oscar could not see walked past her viewing window and went into the adjoining room. Oscar flinched when she realized that she could have touched the stranger, if the door had not been between them. Her breath quickened and she was waiting for getting caught. But the stranger did not enter the room any further. He wanted to leave the seemingly empty room quickly, but was stopped by his companion.
�Grand! Have you seen anyone?� The addressed person noticed a shadow through the gab of the hinge and the door that moved slightly. He came closer and at the same moment Oscar starred at his face. She fell. Oscar fell in a black hole. When she was looking in those green eyes, the world stood still. She knew those eyes. She would recognize them among thousands. Grand as well, was starring at his opponent and grew stiff. Oscar knew it was him. With every fibre of her being she knew it. Soundlessly she aspirated his name and he woke up from his congealment. His eyes were now reflecting endless love, but only for a short moment, then he looked away and left the room. Oscar wanted to walk, had the feeling that she already did, but she did not move one single centimetre.
She did not see how Grand vanished from the officer's chamber and the other man retorted exasperatedly: �Where are you going? We're not done here.� And then he disappeared, too.
Oscar would not have cared if they had still found her. She only thought of those eyes. At first simulating ostensible strength, and then turning into the eyes that Oscar had known and loved for such a long time. Oscar did not breathe. With tears she collapsed to the floor and cried. She prayed that it was not a dream.
Oscar did not remember how she got back to Bernard and Rosalie. When she woke up from her daydream it was dawning already. Bernard seemed to be worried seriously. He knew that she had been at the Bastille, but since then she did not speak a single word.
Her eyelids winced and she finally seemed to awaken from her daydream.
�Oscar?� he asked hesitantly. �Oscar, it is me...Bernard!� At that moment she seemed so vulnerable and far away to him that he started to be frightened. Bernard was sitting on a chair next to her.
�You work for Robespierre if I remember correctly, don't you?� this question came so abruptly that Bernard forgot about his assumptions and now wondered about the words she spoke.
�Yes. That has not changed until now...Oscar? What is going on with you?�
�You have always been a good friend to me.... why did you not tell me that Andr� is still alive? Why are you doing this to me?� Oscar looked into the eyes of her opponent and only recognized confusion in them.
�What are you talking about? Should I get a doctor? � Bernard wanted to put a hand on her forehead, but Oscar shoved his hand away disquietingly.
�Today, when I was at the Bastille, I met two men.� Her hands started shaking. She was still afraid of waking up from a daydream.
�Bernard, I... I saw Andr� today. He was accompanied by another man who kept calling him "Grand", I swear it by my soul.�
�Oscar, I am sorry that I have to tell you this, but Andr� is dead... �
She interrupted him energetically. �No! That is not true. I saw him!�
�Why do you believe that? I do understand that you are mourning him.�
�He stood only one step away from me. I hid from the two because I could hear that they did not want to be recognized. But Andr� did discover me. And now tell me, if it had not been him, why did he not kill me? He was standing right in front of me. No error possible, Bernard.� Oscar was very sure of that incident, which Bernard could not doubt.
She was grounded and acted advisedly. But this was about Andr�. Because of the severe loss that Oscar has suffered Bernard was not absolutely sure that Oscar's discernment was not limited.
�You told me that you work for Robespierre� she reminded him again. Hope was written in her eyes. Could he really not remember any conspicuousness at his work with Robespierre?
�You know that I am a close confidant of Robespierre. He certainly would have reported me about new supporters� he said while he got up and walked towards the window.
�Think, Bernard! What if those are not official people of Robespierre? Maybe they are snitchers that he did not tell you about because he has his own plan with them.� She came to his side. She had to convince Bernard.
He lowered his head. Was she right? He had to admit that the head of the Jacobins did diverge from his original plans lately. He exhaled loudly and made a decision.
�What do I have to do?�
�Convince Robespierre to let me work for him!�
�No! You cannot be serious! He will recognize you and compromise me as a traitor, because I let nobility in his house that he has been fighting against for years.�
�Do you think I would put you in danger? Robespierre will not recognize me. I will be wearing dresses. Although that imagination seems absurd, even to me.� Oscar thought her entire plan through completely. Bernard turned to Oscar and tried to imagine what she would look like in female clothing. At that thought he had to smile inevitably. The fearless Oscar in dresses?
�Why are you smiling?�
�Are you sure you want to take such a risk?�
�Yes, I just have to know if it was Andr� in front of me this morning. I promise you I won't ask for more big favours from you, but for now I need your help in order to get Robespierre to trust and accept me. Please Bernard!� Oscar knew Bernard would make such a sacrifice for her and Andr�. And she thanked him with all her heart.
�He would be capricious, if he found out your true identity. That has to be clear to you!�
Bernard looked deeply into her blue eyes and even a little bit into her soul that was yearning for certainty about Andr�. He believed in her.
�As soon as possible I will introduce you to him. Let us hope that he won�t have any suspicion� Bernard thus ended the intrigue-talk, not knowing at all whether he acted correctly.
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