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| Silent Yearning |
Chapter 3: Agony
�What order did I place with you?� The question resounded through Notre Dame, a church that was one of the cores of Paris and the hideaway for Robespierre and his followers. The voice, known everywhere in Paris, blustered threatening like a hurricane to the two men.
In France, Robespierre�s name resounded throughout the land, because he had the courage to publicly speak up against the reign of the Bourbons. The people trusted him. Which nobody knew and only few suspected, he himself wanted to gain the power over France. But it was not until the cruel September Murders that would show that Robespierre not only put himself above the king, but also above God and the church. Many would die and suffer due to his orders, until his own head fell. But for now the people were shaking his hands candidly and thankfully and obeyed his orders.
Only a few weeks had passed since the Conquest of the Bastille. On August 4th the king convoked the National Assembly to abolish the privileges of the nobility. On August 26th the Civil- and Human Rights were declared. The ancient feudal system could not persist with the rush of new Bourgeoisie.
Grand was one of the few that knew Robespierre's true identity. With every new encounter with him, he hated him more and more. Grand would have killed him by now, but Robespierre chained his loyalty towards him by means of blackmail. If Grand did not obey him, he would kill a person. One of his bodyguards accompanied him constantly and kept an eye on him carefully. He should not even think about a possible escape.
�I ordered you to take possession of important documents from the Bastille. Did one of you not understand my words in any sort of way?� Robespierre's voice recoiled from the dark walls and echoed through the entire building.
�We had the feeling that we were being watched,� Jean-Luc, Grand's companion, justified himself.
�Did you see anyone?�
�No, Robespierre.� he admitted meekly. Grand turned away. Memories of the unexpected encounter were flowing through him.
A face, familiar and loved in every detail.
Eyes blue and clear, looking at him in disbelief.
Skin soft as silk, still pale from long disease.
Lips full and inviting, kissed so dearly.
The Jacobin suspiciously noticed the defensive posture of his informer. �Is there anything that you would like to tell me?� he asked harshly, looking directly into his eyes.
Grand made no attempts to answer him. Since he was under the sway of the Jacobins, he did not talk, not to a single human soul. He was able to suffer in silence. For more than 20 years he had been hiding the pains of his desperate heart deep inside of him. He did not trust people anymore, especially not those standing in this church at this moment.
�You owe a lot to me, Grand! It's because of ME that you did not lose sight of your right eye as well, since it's the only one you have left...� Robespierre sounded snidely and Grand showed his gratitude by looking at him vitriolicly.
Yet, it was true. Personal doctors of Robespierre saved his eyesight. Had he suspected at what price back then, he would have rejected. With no regrets, with no sorrow. But it was too late.
~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~
�Bernard, you have to calm Lady Oscar down. The doctor said she was still supposed to rest!� Rosalie ran after her husband furiously.
Bernard remained at the open backdoor of his house and watched Oscar practice some basic exercises of fencing with her rapier.
Not even one hour had passed since she asked him to infiltrate her in Robespierre's group. On the evening sky the wind pulled the clouds apart and tore them into small shreds.
�Tell me, Rosalie, can you tailor a dress for Oscar as quickly as possible?� Bernard asked unexpectedly. His wife looked at him disbelievingly. Oh, he knew that look very well and hastened to calm her down as fast as possible.
�Don't worry, She won't do anything imprudent. But I don't want to tell you too much. Can you understand this?� He put his hand on her shoulder and looked deeply into her eyes.
�Yes, I trust you and Lady Oscar. The only thing I need to know is whether I have to worry about the two of you?�
�I can�t promise that you don�t.� He hated scaring his wife, but she demanded an honest answer.
�Promise me that you will take care of both of you?�
�Yes,� Bernard promised with utter conviction and bowed down to her to kiss her tenderly.
His wife seemed so fragile to him. He was always afraid of not handling her softly enough. Delicate on the outside, but full of inner strength, and he loved her for that.
�I�m going to start working on it right away!� She turned to leave. After all she had a dress to finish.
�Thank you, Rosalie� Bernard shouted after her.
~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~
Oscar resolved to train fencing regularly again. Due to the long bedrest she felt too weak to be able to defend herself properly in case of an emergency. Earlier, she never felt weak. Earlier, a weird word. EARLIER she never wasted too many thoughts on the past. EARLIER, she hardly allowed herself thoughts about her emotional world. Certain feelings she used to allow herself, others not. EARLIER, she thought her entire life was still in front of her. That was the biggest stupidity that she has ever perpetrated. A life could be over so fast, because the events rushed. Her disease appeared and she found out that Andr� was about to become fully blind. And now? Now, one should be able to turn back the hands of time to be able to realize many things earlier and make different decisions.
She looked down to her right hand. The one that was holding her sword, which was passed on for generations of the Jarjayes family. Actually, she did not have the right to still carry this. When the French Revolution broke out, she laid aside the rank, the title and the name of her father, with the new awareness to become the wife of a man of bourgeois origin.
Slowly she lifted the sword and put the end of the blade in her left hand. She looked at it absorbed in thought. From his observation post at the door Bernard realized that Oscar wanted to break the sword. He ran to meet her.
�Don�t do that, Oscar!� he yelled resentfully, since she apparently would not deter from doing it. He grabbed her hand. �Please Oscar, don�t do this!� he repeated. �That sword is the only heirloom that is left from your family and your father. You would regret it, and you know this yourself.�
�Why are you doing this, Bernard? Are you not aware of the fact that incest and treachery is written on this sword?�
�No,� her friend replied. �That�s not true. You�re wrong. Because with that, with YOUR sword, you fought for the freedom of the people. Your sword was a symbol for the people, which had come to conquer the Bastille. It was a symbol, which appeared jointly with you.�
Silence befell the yard and en-wrapped the two people.
�A little too melodramatic, Bernard.�
�Yes, I know. Well, I�m a journalist and a speaker in front of the people. It�s an occupational disease.� Bernard shrugged his shoulders and smiled, but then turned serious again. �Promise me not to break the sword!�
She nodded. �I�m sorry, Bernard.� Oscar lowered her head. �I just have the feeling to have made the wrong decisions in my life.�
Bernard recognize that she was about to give up on herself. He became angry. That was enough. �I don�t think it is a wrong decision to fight for a good cause. You said that you gave up your rank and title for the man that you love, and for his beliefs you wanted to fight. If you are of a different opinion by now, I really feel sorry for Andr�!�
He is right, Oscar thought, and she admitted it reluctantly. She hated it when others were right after all. �No,� she said convincedly. �That is still the case.�
�Am I seeing a smile?�
She smiled crookedly and contritely.
�And now stop feeling sorry for yourself�And put the blade away from your hand, it is making me nervous! Oscar,� he said more insistently.
�I trust you. And I believe in you. If you claim that you really saw Andr�, I will help you to find him. I owe you my freedom and my life. And I�m your friend.�
She looked at him fiercely. �It is more important to me that you are my friend. Because your life and your freedom are yours... And I will find Andr�.�
~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~
He loved the silence. But this kind of calmness in Paris made him uneasy. Years ago it would have been unimaginable for him to sit in the centre of the city of kings and not to perceive anything at all. He could hear how the wind quietly blew through the open streets of Paris. The sun set slowly. Her light dove the city in a golden red colour.
A new age had dawned. The people succeeded in ending the reign of the Bourbons. And yet, poverty and famine still ruled in France. Many people died and there was not enough money to bury one�s own fellow men. The pillages of the Peasant Uprising at the end of July was just a drop in a bucket. Fuelled by the turmoils in Paris, the situation in the countryside escaladed. Rumours about errant gangs of thieves and an upcoming military coup whirred around like flies. Finally, the due to the high tax burden long smoldering hate of the farmers against their lords became overpowering.
Castles, country estates and monasteries were stormed and plundered. Did the people really believe in their salvation by Robespierre? He did not dare to think about that. The people didn�t know the real face of the hardliner-Jacobin, and he prayed to God that they would not realize it too late.
The splendid red of the sun laid upon the roofs of Paris and for the first time in a very long time Grand could rejoice such a view.
What happened to him?
He wanted the Revolution. He wanted to fight for Libert�, Egalit�, Fraternit� and to prevail. He wanted insuperable boundaries like class and rank to disappear so that he could love that one woman. Above all, he wanted to love her, but Robespierre did not let him. Thus he did what Robespierre imposed on him, without wanting it.
He lost her and with her his soul. As much as the imagination of not seeing her again tortured him. As much as he missed her view, her voice, her smell, her laughter, she would not come back. She MUST NOT come back. Because that would mean her death.
Quietly, lonely and abandonedly he sat on the brick lining of the big belfry of Notre Dame and watched the sun slowly disappearing behind Paris. Nobody noticed that he sat up there. Far underneath him the residents of Paris no longer took care of their living fellow men.
�Grand? Come down here already! I don�t want to get any trouble because of you or did you forget that we have received new orders?�
Jean-Luc angrily shouted his head off while starring up to Grand and impatiently changed weight form one leg to the other.
Grand did not talk to him. He never did, and he would not answer him today. He could suffer in silence.
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