|
|
| The Fate of Love |
Part 1
As soon as Andr� left the room, Oscar walked towards the window. She was lost in deep thoughts as her gaze was unintendedly pinned to the tiny raindrops...
�If this had happened before�I�d definitely have gone to rescue Fersen from that mob...�
It was so strange that one�s feelings could change this much in time, without even realizing...Oscar was literally stunned to notice that, when she thought of Fersen, she was not feeling the wild flame burning inside her heart, as once it used to be. Could it be...could it really be that she didn�t love him anymore?! Oscar was trying her best to understand at which particular point she stopped loving Fersen, but it was hopeless...Yes, she had dedicated herself to a more �manly� life to forget Fersen, but she had never realized that this method had indeed worked so well. Maybe she has overcome all the agony of love she had suffered for so long and succeeded to become a real man! But...but then, what was the meaning of those words that came out of her mouth instinctively in that narrow passage?
�My Andr�!�
She had yelled these words. �MY� Andr�...Oscar held her beautiful head tightly between her hands; she was not able to think any more...What was wrong with her? Why was the effect of this couple of words so deep on her?! What did she mean, exactly, by saying �my�? Was that the loyalty of a friendship coming along with long years? Or was that due to her patronage, simply because he was one of her men? Oscar tried to convince her it was so...But somewhere inside, she knew it wasn�t that...
Even Fersen had noticed everything...That look on his eyes when he heard the words �my Andr�!� was so soft and caring:
�All right...You stay here. I�ll rescue...YOUR Andr�!� had he said...
Oscar tried to get rid of these thoughts by shaking her head. Enough! She would not think about it any more. She had more important things to be concerned of: The whole city was in turbulence, the people had never been as in anguish as they were nowadays. Oscar was afraid of a riot everyday, in which case she might be left with no other chance than using force over civilians! She should do something about this situation, maybe she should talk to the queen and try to convince her to be more affectionate towards her subjects. Oscar was afraid that it was already too late to reverse the growing anger of the whole country.
And in the middle of all these, she could not help but think the same two words over and over again...
�My Andr�"...
Oscar was turning from one side to the other in her bed for hours now. She simply wasn�t able to sleep...She still couldn�t get rid of the thoughts of the morning; she had never felt so confused before. It was excruciating when she had recognized her love for Fersen, right...But it had never been so difficult to analyze her feelings. Could she possibly be...
�Yes, that�s right! It is obvious what you are feeling...You just cannot accept it yet...But at least, don�t lie to yourself any more!�
Oscar suddenly straightened out in the bed. Her heart was throbbing as if in her mouth: Was that the sound of her common sense she had just heard inside her mind?? Anyway, the things it said were possibly right...not possibly, they were absolutely right! Oscar felt embarrassed when she finally managed to confess it to herself, but it had already happened and there was nothing she could do to undo it:
She had fallen in love with her best friend...
Now that she knew this, she felt an irresistible desire to go to the room of the man she loved: She just had to confirm her feelings at the sight of a sleeping Andr�, otherwise everything would remain so unbelievable, she would not be able to convince herself that she was really feeling like this for her oldest friend! Without much thought, she slipped out of her bed, opened the door quietly and found her way to his small room. She was as quiet as a ghost when she let herself in the dark room.
And there he was: Under the dim light of the moon coming from the little window, Andr� was lying in the bed like a marble Greek statue...Oscar looked at the sight of the beauty in front of her eyes, amazed. This was first time she was really noticing it: How could she be so blind towards such a handsome man before her eyes for so long? �Because you thought you were in love with someone else,� her mind told her...But now, as soon as she had been unleashed from her unreturned love towards Fersen, she had finally managed to notice...all the feminine feelings she was trying to suppress had found their way through the real love of her life: To Andr�.
Even in the dim light of the moon, Oscar was able to notice the large darkness over his cheek, and she felt a great grief in her heart. Andr� was hurt...just because of her. If she hadn�t insisted that he came to Paris with her, his life wouldn�t have been endangered like this! Then she remembered how he had lost his left eye: It was all her fault again! If she had not been kidnapped in the Palace of Duke d�Orleans, he wouldn�t have to risk his eye to save her...Oscar couldn�t prevent the tears coming out of her eyes. This man before her had always been by her side, forgoing anything he had for herself...Indeed, she was nearly losing him today! What would she do in a life without Andr�? She shivered with fear even at the thought of it!
Oscar was feeling so guilty for everything. She walked towards him as if she was mesmerized. Andr� was breathing deeply, he must have been in a deep sleep. With tears running down her cheeks, she lifted her hand and gently touched his bruised cheek.
�My Andr�...� she thought once again.
His skin was rough and warm, proving her that he was in fact not made of cold marble. Oscar couldn�t help herself. She caressed this tender skin beneath her hand delicately, as if she was afraid of hurting him. These were new feelings to her, now she was at the same time feeling an instinct of protecting him against anything evil in the world, and the intention of entering his bed, being embraced in his strong hands and being protected herself...And she continued to caress the man�s face with all her love...
Suddenly Andr�s hand stretched and gripped the hand over his cheek. Oscar was almost paralyzed to react in any way. Then Andr� opened his eyes and his right eye met with a shocked face of Oscar. Now it was his turn to be shocked:
�Oscar! What are you doing here?!�
�I...I just...� Oscar bit her lips as she tried to find a good excuse to explain the reason she was in his bedroom. Shit, every excuse was so meaningless at this time of the night! Finally she exhaled a long breath and said quickly:
�I was concerned about your situation...I just wanted to check if you were OK.�
�Oh...I see...� said Andr�, but he was as astonished as ever...Did Oscar finally begin to care about him? Why all of a sudden? Was she feeling guilty about what happened? But still, it was weird that she was here at this time of the night...
Oscar turned away quickly and hastened towards the door:
�I see that you are fine...Now I can leave...I�m sorry for bothering you...�
�Oscar!�
She stopped at her name coming out of his mouth almost like a cry. Andr� jumped out of his bed quickly and stood up in front of her. Now they were looking face to face under the dim light of the moon coming from the window...Both hearts were fluttering fast in their chests...
Andr� couldn�t dare touch her...not after the �Incident�� Instead, he spoke with a soft voice:
�Thank you Oscar...It means a lot to me...For the first time, I really feel like...like you have forgiven me for what I had done...�
Oscar smiled sadly. It had been a very long time since she had ever remembered that event. She had been really disappointed with her friend on those days, but after she had made up her mind in Normandy, she had already decided that Andr� was suffering so much with his unrequited love that she could not blame him for the sudden explosion of his feelings...She replied:
�I have forgiven you long ago, Andr�...But I don�t know how I could make you forgive me...�
Andr�s eyes wide-opened:
�Oscar, what are you saying? You haven�t done anything wrong, today�s incident wasn�t your fault at all, you could have never known...And you are injured, too!�
Oscar suddenly felt a stream of feelings uprising in her heart: How could this guy still be so compassionate towards her? He had lost his eye for her! She remembered the words he had uttered at that time: �I�m glad that it wasn�t your eye...� Oscar felt she couldn�t endure it any more. She threw herself against the broad chest of the man standing opposite her and began to cry her heart out.
�Andr�...Andr�...�
Andr� was frozen for a minute...Then, he lifted his trembling hand and touched the silky blond hair of his beloved one. It was so soft, just like he had always dreamed of� He still couldn�t believe what was happening. Could he be dreaming? But the warmth of the woman within his arms told him he wasn�t...
They stayed like that for a long time. Andr� was afraid of doing something wrong and ruining this beautiful dream. Oscar was still sobbing in his chest. After a while, her sobs died away slowly and she finally lifted her beautiful face to look at him.
�I�m sorry...� she said, �I...had a nervous breakdown...I, I have been through a lot nowadays, I�m sorry to bother you with this...�
Andr� felt a great disappointment suddenly. Was that all? He had thought, maybe...He shook his head as if he could send away the inappropriate hopes, but he couldn�t help feeling a sharp pain in his heart. Still, he managed to remain calm and even smile slightly:
�It�s OK, Oscar...You know that you can always count on me� Whenever you need me, I�m by your side...and I always will be...�
Oscar looked at the face of this beautiful man with a great respect. Again she thought, how can he be so sacrificing? She longed to heal the bruises on this beautiful face with her tender kisses so much right now! But...but...she could never dare that of course! She suddenly released herself from the hands of Andr� and turned back to the door:
�I�d better go...�
Before he could say anything, she almost ran towards the door. But her eyes were still wet, because of the strong emotions of the last moment� In the gloomy room she couldn�t clear her vision, stumbled, and lost her balance:
�Ah!�
Oscar closed her eyes reflexively as she expected to fall. Just as she was about to hit to the ground, Andr� stretched at her abruptly and managed to capture her hand. He pulled her towards himself in panic; he was so frightened anything would happen to her!
�Are you alright Oscar? Oscar, are you okay?� he asked breathless.
Oscar opened her eyes and looked into the emerald eyes before hers.
Andr�s heart trembled; he was immediately mesmerized by these beautiful ocean-blue eyes, which were still wet as if they were part of a real ocean...Now the two old friends were so close to each other that each one of them could feel the breath of the other in her/his face. Andr� could smell the scent of the woman between his arms, this was the scent of a rose, blooming at the cliffs of a shrewish ocean...He was scared that he would lose his mind, the love of his life was in his arms!
Oscar was feeling the same way, too. She suddenly realized that nothing really mattered any more: They were here right now, only two of them. Nobody could see them, judge them. All the artificial labels like nobility were so meaningless at this very moment...Even the revolution that had been drawing near was like miles and centuries away from them. Without thinking any further, she leaned forward, until her lips touched his...
Andr� shivered with the warmth of these lips, and tasted them for the second time in his life. His heart was pounding so fast as if it were to stop! At first, both of them couldn�t believe what they were doing, afraid of the possibility that the other one could end this beautiful sharing suddenly...But in a moment, they were kissing each other passionately, with all the fire of the love: Because they both knew deep in their hearts that, this was the best thing that could ever happen in one�s life...
�I love you so much...� thought Andr�, �Ah Oscar, you cannot believe how much I love you!�
Meanwhile, Oscar was in the middle of strange feelings, she was extremely happy by one side: She could have never imagined kisses coming from Andr� would be so striking, so lovely...But on the other side, she was so sad, she regretted so much for not realizing this beautiful thing between them earlier! However, there was also something else...
Suddenly she drew herself back. Andr� felt himself like he was pulled into a deep, lonely emptiness...He looked into her eyes with sorrow. Oscar�s eyes were filled with even more pain than his:
�Andr�...I can�t do this...Forgive me, Andr�...� she said.
She could not go on any further, even if she wanted so much, she simply could not...She was still the commander of Andr�; moreover, she still had responsibilities as a high-rank member of the army, especially in these troublous times...She held Andr�s hand with hers, squeezed:
�Thank you...for everything...�
Then she ran back to her room as fast as she could; leaving a petrified Andr� behind. Andr� didn�t know what to do, what to think...Should he thank God for this unexpected gift, or be upset for the very sudden ending of it? But even if he had woken up so early form this dream, it was still beyond what he would ever expect...Not long ago, before Alain had a duel with Oscar, he had asked her whether she would care if Andr� would marry his sister Diane. Oscar seemed so uninterested in what he would do, that Andr� had felt like he was worth nothing to her at all...But tonight...It was a very beautiful dream, the most beautiful dream of his life, for sure...
At her room upstairs, Oscar was even in more complicated emotions: She felt her heart sank; it was so hurtful to leave her beloved one like that...But what else could she possibly do? She didn�t care about the fact that she was a noble and he was not, of course it was so unimportant to her...But she had responsibilities, she can�t just follow her heart...not yet...
�Maybe some day...� she thought. "Yes, one day..." She hoped with all her heart, "that day would eventually come..."
~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately, life wasn�t easy...especially on those days, when the prelude to the French revolution was about to start...
The company B was first shaken with the sad news about Diane: She had hung herself, since she was left by her fianc�. Alain hadn�t come back to the barracks ever since, he was devastated by the sudden death of his little precious sister� Oscar was also affected very deeply by this incident: She had loved this little, joyful girl even without knowing her well. She had thought of her as if she were Rosalie, perhaps� She had felt like she had lost her own sister...It was so excruciating that one could lose the most beloved ones in the blink of an eye...
Then came the worrisome news from Chateau Meudon: This was an old castle where the Queen had moved to look after her sick Crown Prince, Joseph. The rumors said that his condition wasn�t improving at all.
On that sunny day of April, 1789, Oscar was urgently summoned to Chateau Meudon. She spurred quickly from the barracks to the castle, with the fear of something bad happening.
The news weren�t good indeed: The Queen had run out of her room as soon as she was informed about Oscar�s arrival and met her at the hallway.
�Oscar! Thank you for coming...Joseph wants to see you...�
�The Dauphin?� Oscar asked with a surprise.
�He might not live another six months...His backbone is all jagged...Even his ribs are crooked...Terminal symptoms of spinal meningitis are already developing...�
Antoinette leaned against a column. She was looking so devastated, so helpless. Oscar felt a great sorrow for this desperate mother and the little child, whose death was inevitable. Just then, they heard the voice of the Dauphin from behind the closed door of his room.
�Shut up! Go away!�
�You should not, Dauphin! Dauphin, please!� begged the maids.
�I�m getting up! I want to go out! Let me go!�
Joseph was struggling with all his force against scared maids when the two woman entered the room. Then he saw Oscar and yelled with joy:
�Oscar!�
Oscar bowed with reverence before the Dauphin:
�Your Highness�Please forgive me for not visiting you for a long time...�
The child�s inanimate eyes shone with delight:
�Oscar! Please take me...take me outside! Please let me ride your horse...�
Oscar looked at the Queen for permission. Her eyes were soaked.
�It�s alright Oscar...Please...Please make his dream come true...�
In a few minutes, the little prince and the woman commander were horse-riding outside, under the bright sun. It was such a lovely day. Joseph had forgotten about his pain, he was screaming full of joy:
�Gallop! Gallop!�
Oscar laughed at his excitement:
�You shouldn�t push the horse so hard...�
�Gallop, gallop! Gallop!� demanded Joseph once again. He was so happy...
�I wish we could go on riding like this for forever and ever...�
He leaned his little head to Oscar�s arm and fell asleep...His weak body couldn�t endure this much of an excitement...
�My Dauphin...� murmured Oscar. She gently took him down off the horse, laid on the green grass. Her emotions were flowing like a stream towards this sick child. Ah Lord, he is so young! He doesn�t even know what life is! Why does he have to endure so much pain at this age?! �How much I love this kid,� thought Oscar, �as if he is my own son...I could definitely have a son of his age, if I had married...� She was surprised to see the maternal feelings growing in her heart: How much she would want this kid to be her own son!
The Dauphin opened his eyes as if he heard the inner-thoughts of her.
�Are you alright your highness?� asked Oscar. �It might be better to go back soon...�
�I heard the Estates-General will be convened...� said the little child unexpectedly. �I�ll come back to Versailles Palace by then...The day will probably go down in the history of France...�
Oscar was breathless. She admired at the keen insight of this 7-year-old boy. How much she would wish him to be the prospective king of France! He would be such a great King, so caring towards his subjects...
�My France...which I�ll rule someday...� said Dauphin at the same time, Oscar shivered. She forced herself to believe in the words coming out of her own mouth:
�Yes Highness...You�ll become Louis XVII.�
Joseph�s eyes were full of tears...He had realized long ago that this was nothing but a dream that won�t come true...He suddenly got up, put his arms around Oscar, and leaned up to kiss her:
�I love you,� he said, �When I get reborn, I won�t be sick...I�ll grow up healthy and become a fine man. So, wait for me till then!�
Oscar was shocked. She couldn�t prevent tears running to her eyes. There was something so touching in this pure love. She tried to smile and joked:
�Of course you will grow up healthily your Highness! But I think I�ll be too old to match you when you become a fine man and the ruler of our country!�
�No, no!� he shook his head in protest. �You will be as beautiful as ever! But...� He slowly bent his head with sorrow: �I cannot say anything if you are in love with another man...Tell me Oscar, do you love another man?�
Oscar didn�t know what to say...She laughed again:
�But does it matter? You are the Dauphin, you can order me to do anything! If you want me to wait for you, I will wait for you, Highness!�
Joseph looked into the eyes of Oscar and smiled.
�I see...So you are in love with another man...Then I wish you happiness, Oscar: Even if I�m the king, I could never force you to leave the man you love for someone else! So, promise me Oscar, you will be happy, you will never let go of your love, okay?�
Oscar was never so astonished in her life before. This little child, this poor sick kid had a vision which was deeper than many adults. His ideas were the ideas of a more enlightened era: Even if it were the King, nobody could ask her to leave her love! Even though she was a noble and Andr� was not, even though she was the Commander and he was an unranked soldier, this shouldn�t matter at all when they love each other! Oscar didn�t remember a time she was so impressed from the thoughts of a child before. She hadn�t encountered so righteous ideas in any of the noble men she met� Her eyes were full of tears once again:
�I promise you, Dauphin...Thank you...Thank you so much...�
~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~
It had been a month since the Estates-General had convened. The French Guards had their posts in front of the Hall where the delegates were debating...
Andr� spoke with a voice as if grunting, because of his drying throat under the hot sun:
�It�s been a month without break since the Estates-General has convened. I guess things are rough inside.�
�I was told that the commoners� delegates are challenging debates against the clergy and nobility,� said Alain right besides him, and added with a sarcastic smirk:
�I�d like to join them if I could!�
Then appeared Oscar, coming out of the building. Alain shouted:
�Commander! How is it going on inside?�
�As disorderly as usual,� replied Oscar with a slight discontent in her face. She was already sick with the ongoing debates which produced nothing good for France, since the nobility and clergy groups never seemed to make a concession against commoners. She thought how tiring it was for her men to stand up all day long under this scorching sun:
�When this is over, you�ll all get a vacation,� she said, to encourage them a little...�So carry on until then...�
Right then she noticed an empty wine bottle on the ground:
�What�s this?! Hey, this is unsafe! The delegates may get hurt when they leave.� She picked up the bottle, turned to her men: �I told you before to dispose of things like this.�
�I�m sorry, I didn�t notice it�, apologized Andr�.
�Throw it away!� commanded Oscar and tossed the bottle over to Andr�.
Andr� came forward to catch it. Unfortunately, his sight blurred at the very same moment. There was a striking crash: The pieces of the bottle lied all around the ground, shattered.
Oscar�s eyes were opened with terror: Could it be...could it be...
Alain ran quickly to the side of frozen Andr�, pretending to be in his usual sarcastic manner:
�Hey, you are no good Andr�!� he said, �Alright, I�ll put it away...�
Oscar couldn�t prevent her voice from trembling:
�Andr�...is your right eye...�
Before she dared to finish her sentence, he interrupted:
�Um...what, ma�am?� he was soaked with sweat, Oscar should never know it!
Fortunately, Alain was at help:
�Standing here day after day will make anybody sluggish...� and he winked: �Isn�t that so, Andr�?�
�Yeah, that�s right,� Andr� smiled with relief. �Maybe I�m a bit tired...and a little blinded by the sun...�
�Okay...If that�s the case...� Oscar wasn�t so convinced, but she couldn�t dare digging the matter any deeper...
Yet, it was the only thing that was on her mind all the day long...
In the evening, she and Andr� were together in the great hall of the mansion. Oscar was twirling her tea cup between her hands, not knowing how to bring up the same subject again. Andr� was standing by the window, watching the rain.
�More rain...� he murmured, �The Crown Prince seems to be getting worse...To the point, the Estates-General was suspended and the Royal Couple rushed to Meudon...�
�He�ll be Okay,� said Oscar, trying to convince herself more, rather than her friend. �Things like this have happened many times before...I�m sure he�ll rally again...�
�I hope so.� Andr�s sorrow was real.
But Oscar couldn�t really ponder on the crown prince at the moment. She was driven crazy with the fear of another thing...
�I�m more worried about something else� she spoke her mind.
�Oh, what�s that?� Andr� wasn�t interested too much.
Oscar squinted at the subtle figure besides window. She stood up without saying anything, walked with determined steps until she reached the man. She lifted the knife at her hand high enough to let it make a shadow over the back of Andr�s head.�Andr� she stopped.
Andr� turned back to see what was happening. He was startled when he saw her holding the knife against his face.
�Why, are you checking my eye?�
�Can you see it clearly?� Oscar wanted to know. Andr� spoke firmly:
�Of course I can! It�s a knife, made in 1612, handed down through generations in the Jarjayes family, and is your favourite.�
Oscar still couldn�t be sure:�So your eye is really alright?�
Andr� protested: �Cut it out! It�s such a bad joke.�
�I�m sorry...� said Oscar at last. She turned back and prepared to walk back to her seat. Then, she just couldn�t let it remain inside her anymore, she was sick of it! She turned back again, set her wild eyes on a bewildered Andr�.
�No, it�s not alright!� She said, nearly yelling. Her eyes were looking like those of a desperate lynx: �I do care so much about you, do you understand it?? I want to know the truth if there is something wrong!� then, her voice softened: �Please Andr�...Don�t hide anything from me. Are you really alright?�
�Oscar...� Andr� could only say...He was so much touched by this unexpected tirade coming from Oscar. She had changed, she really had changed! That icy woman concealing her emotions all the time with a mask on her face was gone: The woman standing opposite of him was now a woman in love, afraid of the possibility that anything bad would happen to her beloved one. Andr� lifted his hand, longing to touch the person he loved more than anything in the world.
�Oscar...� He said again. That was all he could say. The words were meaningless. When his hand touched the beautiful face before him, Oscar shook. She was now like a tame cat, in contrast to the lynx she looked like a moment ago. She lifted her own hand, grabbed the big, yet gracious hand on her face.
�Andr�...� she began to talk, �I...�
Just then they heard it: The bells of the Notre-Dame tolling...Oscar rushed to the window as if she were able to see what was happening. She was terrified:
�It�s the bells of Notre Dame...The crown prince must be in a critical condition!�
The young couple stood by the window, feared of worse news...The last time she had seen the little prince came to Oscar�s mind, she remembered his mature words which she had admired with a pain in her heart...
Andr� and Oscar remained like that, by the window, for a long while, both inside their own thoughts... Then came the crushing end: First the bells stopped, then one shot of a cannon was heard: The Crown Prince was dead!
�He was only seven years and eight months old!�
Oscar shut her eyes in grief. She wasn�t expecting this, no...She had known that he would be dead soon long before, but somewhere in her heart, she had never believed in it: "How could a child so lovely, so innocent, die? Wasn�t there any justice in the world?!"
Oscar leaped herself to the arms of Andr� and let out a cry:
�He shouldn�t have died, Andr�! He was just a little child! He shouldn�t have died!�
She buried her head inside the warmth of his chest and began sobbing. Andr� was very sorry, too. He caressed her hair sadly...
�You know what?� Oscar said among tears, �The last time I went to see him, he had told me not to let go of you...ever!� She smiled sadly at the memory appearing in front of her eyes.
Andr� was confused: �Does he know me??�
�Yes...he does...� replied Oscar. �At least as the man I love� she added silently inside her mind. She smiled sadly again. If she would ever have a son some day, she would name him after the prince, wishing him to be such a special kid...
�Goodbye my little friend� she thought and held Andr� even tighter.
There, one of the people she loved so much in the world was gone...But she would never let go of the others: especially, this man here!
Then she unwillingly broke up with Andr�, lifted her face wet with tears:
�I�m going to offer my condolescences at the Meudon Castle, Andr�...�
Andr� nodded. As she was walking out of the room and Andr� watching her go, they were both thinking the same thing: The life was too short...
|
|
|
|
